Oftentimes, boyfriends break up with their girlfriends because of depression. They make it clear that the breakup is not their girlfriends’ fault and that it’s something they must figure out on their own.
If you’re thinking to yourself, “My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression and his incapability to love me back,” tread carefully. Depression is a serious mood disorder—especially if it’s chronic. It often recurs and continues to haunt the person for a lengthy period of time.
If your boyfriend broke up with you because of depression which he has had for months or longer, he doesn’t feel very happy with himself and the way he feels about things and people. To him, the relationship feels suffocating and tedious so he must for his own sake get rid of as many stressors as he can.
On the other hand, if your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s been depressed and stressed only recently, then chances are he isn’t really depressed. We are all just people who can be easily influenced by others and affected by numerous stressors.
This doesn’t necessarily imply we are severely stressed and that we should break up with our partners because of “depression.” In such cases, as well as others, your ex probably used the “I’m depressed” breakup excuse to break up with you.
There are a few ways to recognize whether your boyfriend broke up with you because of his severe depression and we will get to the bottom of it.
My boyfriend broke up with me because of depression
Let’s first look at the real deal—breaking up because of depression or chronic depression which requires efficient long-term treatment.
If your ex-boyfriend has a history of depressed cases or his family has suffered from depression before, we must consider his depression no laughing matter.
You must understand that a depressed boyfriend will break up with you if he thinks it will help him feel better. To him, breaking up is a self-defense mechanism. He thinks that if he pushes you away, he will be able to focus on himself more and prioritize his well-being.
Your boyfriend doesn’t think that you can’t help him or that you can’t be there for him when he needs you. He acknowledges the things you’re willing to do with him and for him when he’s happy or depressed. Moreover, your boyfriend knows you are willing to stick with him through good and bad. That’s what love is all about, right?
Unfortunately, your boyfriend doesn’t quite feel that way. Depressed people feel the necessity to seclude themselves from their loved ones and spend as much time alone as they can. This common instinct compels depressed people to break up with their long-term partners.
People are instinctual
It’s not just a human instinct to distance ourselves from others. Physically hurt or injured animals tend to follow the same pattern. They prefer to be on their own when they are struggling in any way, shape or form.
So if you’re wondering why your boyfriend broke up with you because of his depression, here’s your answer. It’s in your boyfriend’s nature to isolate himself and wallow in depression by himself.
Breaking up because of depression happens more often than you may think. Depression is so peculiar couples break up because of it and also get back together for exactly the same reason. It’s one of those things that can have both favorable and unfavorable outcomes.
Sometimes people desperately seek help as a result of depression and other times they want exactly the opposite. To the dumpee, a depressed ex-boyfriend can feel like a double-edged sword. The dumpee contemplates “I feel bad for my ex. Do I help him or back off?” If you come too close you get cut, distance yourself too much and you risk losing him.
What do I do if my boyfriend broke up with me because of depression?
Sadly, the breakup has occurred so you already lost the relationship with your boyfriend.
I know you may really want to help your boyfriend and get back together with him, but there’s nothing you can do to change his mind. Treat his depressed state as any other breakup and take the usual post-breakup actions.
Separate yourself from him—as it’s what he wants and avoid post-breakup mistakes as much as possible. Just because he’s depressed doesn’t mean you can’t annoy him. Although many depressed people often experience symptoms of suppressed anger, some dumpers still react overtly.
Whichever type your ex is, you don’t want to find out. Instead, start following the principles of no contact and stick to them.
Since your ex-boyfriend is choosing to protect himself from more pain, you should as well. His pain may not be exactly provoked by you, but we can’t say the same for you. You have expectations of him and so you must find a way to get over the breakup as quickly and efficiently as your mind and body allow.
I don’t want to break up with my depressed ex
I know it can seem confusing when you’re in a relationship with a depressed boyfriend and he suddenly doesn’t “appreciate your assistance” anymore. Moreover, he doesn’t only want to cut down your relationship hours, but completely discontinue your services.
Unfortunately, both depression and breakups don’t happen over night. If your boyfriend broke up with you because he’s depressed or unhappy, you can be certain it wasn’t a quick decision. His unhappiness has been creeping into his subconscious mind for days, weeks or even longer.
At some point, he started thinking “If I break up with my girlfriend, I can finally start focusing fully on myself instead of having to worry about her problems.”
It doesn’t sound pleasant to hear such words when you’ve loved a person for a long time. Depression stems from a selfish and weak place. All your ex-boyfriend wants is to feel better and be his regular self again. He honestly believes he can’t achieve good results as long as you are in his life.
Put yourself in his place
It might be difficult to visualize but think about it this way. Imagine that your shoulder is in a ton of pain and your boyfriend is trying to help you. No matter what he does, it’s not enough. Weeks go by and the pain hasn’t gotten any better. As a matter of fact, it’s gotten even worse. Because of perpetuating pain, you’re starting to feel a bit annoyed at yourself and even your boyfriend. It’s not his fault, but the pain is making you feel frustrated and confused.
Inside you, you build up all these pent-up emotions that have been in you for weeks and you can’t successfully project them anywhere. As a result of unexpressed emotions, you get irritated by your boyfriend over little things and express yourself in a negative way.
Depression works the same way. It often consists of unexpressed emotions that have built up over time. Eventually, as the intensity of repressed emotions increases, a depressed person oftentimes starts pushing people away—even those close to him. The ones that are close to the depressed individual represent a bigger threat because they have “unrealistic” expectations, requests and sometimes even demands.
A depressed person doesn’t have the capacity to fulfill his own emotional needs, let alone yours so he starts to distance himself from you to focus inwardly.
Once he comes to the conclusion that he’s better off without you, he finally decides to take a leap of fate and make some “healthy” adjustments. He tells you he feels depressed and that he needs some space to think things over. In other words—he feels as if you’re weighing him down.
Will my ex come back when he’s no longer depressed?
In theory, once your ex feels better, he should again look for external factors to feel happy. Most people do. This means your ex is going to rely on other sources of happiness that once brought him pleasure.
Eckard Tolle, best known as the author of The Power of Now says; “Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain.”
What Eckard means with this statement is that people depend on external sources for happiness and your ex will probably make the same “mistake” as well.
Most people fail at fulfilling themselves internally because they never think about it. If you’re suffering as a result of the breakup, you are likely looking for ways to be happy with yourself.
Just like you, your ex is also very likely trying to become happy on his own. If he becomes happy with himself, it’s only a matter of time before he will aim for even greater happiness—with you or with someone else.
Earl Nightingale, a successful American author best known in the genre of personal development says, “Success is a progressive realization of a worthy ideal (goal).”
It means that our happiness is continuously increasing and at the same time—is in complete correlation with our ambitions (internal and external factors).
Once your (no longer depressed) ex-boyfriend realizes he wishes to become even happier, he will express the urge to continue working on the relationship again.
And if he doesn’t change his mind, it’s safe to assume that he never found internal happiness. Perhaps you will be better off without him in the long run.
Did my boyfriend use depression as an excuse to break up with me?
My boyfriend broke up with me because of his depression” is honestly not the first time I’ve heard this excuse. As a matter of fact, I’ve heard just about every breakup excuse there is and I can tell you that this one is a doozy. It’s different from the rest because it’s so tricky to comprehend.
As a dumpee, you likely can’t tell whether your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth or if he’s just unhappy with you. Fortunately, there are a few ways to tell.
As we’ve already discussed, any record of depression with him or his family makes it that much more feasible that he’s actually depressed. It’s one of the most believable explanations for his depression so there’s no reason to doubt him.
On the other hand, if his depression has just arisen and he acts more frustrated, distanced, annoyed and not so much depressed, his depression is likely just an excuse to pull away.
It’s not you, it’s me!
If your boyfriend pretended to be depressed and broke up with you, he used the typical “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. He probably fooled you into pitying him and leaving him alone so he could do whatever he intends to do.
Some women are concerned and ask questions, such as “did my bf break up with me because he’s depressed? Did he say this just so he can date other women?”
Women who got broken up with because their boyfriends are “depressed” sincerely believe that to be the case.
Oftentimes, their ex is going out a lot, parties like an animal and soon after even sleeps with other women. If that’s the case I can guarantee you that he’s not really depressed. At least not as much as he claims to be.
Here’s how you can find out if your ex-boyfriend is telling the truth.
- Observe his actions. Do they match his words?
- Does he appear sad and depressed after the breakup?
- Is he dating anyone or talking to other women?
- Is he saying bad things about you?
- Does he still talk to you or at least try to?
By answering these questions, you will have a better understanding of what’s going on in your ex-boyfriend’s head.
Although it won’t help you get him back, you will at least get some clarity and perhaps even closure.
Boyfriend broke up with me because of my depression
Let’s reverse roles for a minute. If your boyfriend broke up with you because of your depression, all I can tell you is that you deserve better. If he doesn’t care about you when you needed him the most, he doesn’t deserve you when you are at your best.
I’ve seen this happen many times and it’s honestly very sad. Depression sometimes puts additional weight on the relationship and drags the couple down. More often than not, the stronger person will eventually lose respect for the depressed person and think of him or her as a burden.
Now, by no means does this happen all the time as there are many, many relationships that work despite depression difficulties. Real couples support each other through good and bad no matter what.
An act of selfishness
Contrary to happy, mature couples, selfish boyfriends, or rather, children often lack patience and do what appears to be best for them. They leave their partners at their worst and run off to enjoy their lives to the fullest.
Such people don’t deserve your care and neither should you require theirs. A pet will likely provide you with more comfort and security than someone who finds it excruciatingly painful to help his partner through a difficult time.
This ex-boyfriend of yours can’t mean much to you if he’s there when you don’t need him and isn’t there for you when you need him the most. Remember, friends and family will come to your aid when you need them the most. They wouldn’t even think of leaving you when all you ask for is a shoulder to lean on.
The same goes for your ex-boyfriend. If he’s left you because of depression, then it’s safe to assume he doesn’t care much about your health.
I have had many female clients who lived happy lives until something tragic happened to them (death in the family, loss of a job, finances issues, etc). Shortly after, they started feeling depressed so their long-term boyfriends dumped them and left them to fend off for themselves.
I understand that sometimes depression can weigh a couple down. But leaving a person when she’s going through something so horrible is beyond my comprehension. It’s truly an act of selfishness. Karma will without a doubt take care of anyone who does this.
Did your boyfriend break up with you because of his depression or perhaps because of yours? Share your thoughts below this article.